"Doc, I'm in trouble in China. Get me out!"

Well, now you did it. Been there done that. Got the damn t shirt and threw it away. I feel your pain. Now, who you gonna call?

Well, if you're an American, the best thing to do is get a hold of the US Embassy in China. You're lucky. There are five of them, scattered throughout the country. And my experiences with them have all been positive. Damn, it's good to be an American sometimes. Here they are. Keep them with you if you head over:

    BEIJING American Embassy 3 Xiu Shui Bei Jie, Beijing 100600 Tel: (86-10) 6532-3431 (Embassy Switchboard)

    GUANGZHOU American Consulate General 1 Shamian Nanjie, Shamian Island Guangzhou, P.R. China Post code: 510133 Tel.: (86-20) 8188-8911 Fax: (86-20) 8186-4001

    SHANGHAI American Consulate General 1469 Huaihai Road (M.), Shanghai 200031 Tel: (86-21) 6433-1681 (Direct) (86-21) 6433-6880 (Consulate Switchboard) Fax: (86-21) 6433-1576

    SHENYANG American Consulate General 52 Shi Si Wei Lu, Heping District, Shenyang 110003 Tel: (86-24) 2322-1198 Fax: (86-24) 2322-2374

    CHENGDU American Consulate General No. 4 Lingshiguan Road, Chengdu, Sichuan 610041 Tel: (86-28) 558-3992 Fax: (86-28) 558-9221

And if you're not an American, you might as well call them too. Because I don't know who you should call. But they might. I do know one thing, though, if you get into trouble over there. Don't call me. I don't know how to get out of trouble.

I just know how to get into it.