Smile at the "girlfriends". Daily. And don't touch them. (the girls that work at the hotel front desk)
Don't ever look under the thing they call a "bed". Never.
Fill up the bathtub every night, and try to keep it filled.
Resort to low down dirty tricks to keep the bathtub full.
Spray the mattress under your sheets with bug spray. You really don't want to know what the itching and the "bites" are in the middle of the night.
Bring Gatorade. Different flavors. Lime and Orange are good. The red stuff is too, but it stains your tee shirts pretty badly when you drip it all over yourself. Oh, and bring the powdered kind.....
Work out on dry substrate.
"There is suffering in China, but there is no pain". I don't remember what great man said that (I think it was me). Don't ever put the Chinese in a position whereby they'll "lose face". Pride and honor are above all.
Don't worry about "losing" your own "face". You're an American. You can take it.
Don't ever pick up anything from a restaurant floor. If it fell there, consider it gone.
Corollary: If for some god forsaken reason you do try to pick something up off of the restaurant floor, protect the top of your head from the possibly of flying sputum and chicken bones. If you hear the preliminary lugie sucking sound, pray. Duck. And do not crawl under the table. (Almost as bad as looking under the "bed").
Watch what you eat and where. (You don't want to end up using a Chinese bathroom).
Don't eat uncooked vegetables or the outsides of fruits. (You'll end up living in a Chinese bathroom).
Bring non-flowery toilet paper. Flowers are for sissies, not gong fu master wanna be's.
Wash the clothes every day. Bring a reliable hang line to tie up outside your room. Don't wear whites. Dark clothes hide the inevitable stains better.
Watch out for misplaced rice during dinner. They show up pretty well on dark clothes, and the excuse "I'm saving it for later" doesn't go over well.
Don't do battle with the hookers. They're tough. But not unbeatable.
Survival Rules 1997
- Written by: doc