January 27, 2002: Shit. Yes, you heard me. Shit.
I was in trouble yet again. I wasn't surprised, as trouble is just something that I tend to get into every once in a while. It all started with an email. Like it usually does.
Doc, I've kept my mouth shut about something as long as I can. I can't any more.
Yea. Shit. I was in for it. And what made it worse, is that, even from the first line, I could tell that it was from a woman. Oh, this was definitely going to hurt.
And what about hauling Xing Wei and Xing Qi off to Hooters to gawk at scantily-clad waitresses' surgically-endowed cleavage?
Oh boy. Shit again. I just knew that once a girl started bitchin' at me, and it had to to with another girl's cleavage, I was in trouble. I just can't figure out why cleavage seems to get me into trouble all the time. Must be some species specific quality. They have it, I get into trouble over it. But, it wasn't all about cleavage. It never is always all about cleavage. No, there's always, always something else.
And what's this business of teaching Xing Wei to swear last August in Dengfeng?
Swearing and cleavage, and a Shaolin monk. Shit. Oh, it was bound to get deep (Topic Eight). It did. And not only did it get deep, I was soon to discover one thing about myself. I had become an "influence" on the Shaolin monks. And, well, shit. Not a very good one.
It all kind of started last August, back in Shaolin land, when I was spending time with Shi Xing Wei, a Shaolin temple monk who was a disciple of my master, Shi De Cheng. Interesting observation Decheng had made back then. He told me that since we were both disciples of himself, that we were then, Xing Wei and I, gong fu brothers, we were tied by the typical bonds and responsibilities that gong fu brothers are bound by. Whatever they were. I guess I'll figure that out one day too. But until that day, I decided to take care of him. And he was going to take care of me. A mutual learning type of deal was in the works.
His idea of taking care of me consisted of teaching me a southern Chinese form called Nan Chuan. It's fairly famous on the circuits, and it's not a commonly taught form in Shaolin. But he had wanted to teach it to me, and I had wanted to learn it. So, off we went. It is a fairly long form, well over a hundred steps, and, being a so-called "southern" form, it was different than the usual legs intensive northern stuff taught at the temple. It had taken some getting used to. He would teach me, and I would practice. He would have me repeat it, first with speed, then with power, then with speed and power. And, eventually, after collapsing on the floor a couple of times, I eventually started to get the hang of it. No, it wasn't a wonderful performance by any means, but, I did get through it.
And at the end, he would look at me, give me a thumbs up, and say, in broken English, "Very guda".
"Very guda? No very guda."
And he would look at me in a puzzled sort of way, a way that only Xing Wei could do.
"No very guda?"
To which I responded, "No. Shit"
Where he got this Italian accent crap was beyond me. I think Decheng had taught it to him. Watching Decheng speak a version of what little English he knows, with this fake Italian accent that he tries to use (after all the time he has spent in Italy), is quite hysterical. Especially when he uses his hands.
Shit. How do you explain "shit" to a Shaolin monk? Well, being from New York, I discovered, it was easy.
So, I explained to him the whole gamut of "guda" to "badda". And it went something like this.
"You see", holding my right hand out far to the right, "This is excellent. And then,", as I moved my right hand slowly over to the left, "this is very good, then good, then OK, then bad, then very bad, then really bad, then, shit. Got that?"
To which he responded, using similar hand motions, "Very guda, guda, OK, badda, very badda, really badda, SHIT!". I got the feeling that he really liked saying it. As for the "guda" stuff, that was going to have to be worked on another day.
So, off we went to train some more. Hours and hours a day, doing Ji ben gong, some of the other forms that I knew, and Nan Chuan. And after getting all of Nan Chuan down, he would have me do it with as much speed and power as I could muster. To which he would subsequently respond, "Very guda!"
And I would respond, "No, shit!"
He didn't agree. So he would say, "No shit! Guda!"
"Shit. Shit. SHIT!"
"OK, shit. Once again. Very guda." Yes, he would always acquiesce.
And off I would go again, for god knows how many times, doing Nan Chuan.
"Very guda!" "Shit!" "No shit!" "No, shit!" "No shit?" "No shit." "OK." "Very guda!"
He always liked when I said "Very guda". He never liked the pronunciation "good". It was all Decheng's fault. I was going to have to talk to him about that.
And I got the chance to, one night, during dinner. Xing Wei had ordered the food for all of us, and when the food finally came out, Xing Wei had tasted it, looked at the perfectly mild mannered little waitress, whom, by the way, I had had my eye on for a while, and with a grimace usually not seen on the face of a Shaolin monk, had pointed at the food on the table with one hand and had exclaimed in a fairly loud voice, "This, SHIT!"
To which Decheng replied, "No shit. Very guda!"
I had trained both of them well.
Oh, before I continue with my ramblings, some updates. And don't go away, I've got more trouble to talk about....
* A new File Library, which will allow you to upload and download files of all sorts, such as video, audio, literary, and, well, whatever. Just make sure that you're a good boy. You don't want to get into trouble like I do. There's a five megabyte limit on all files except for video files (those have a ten megabyte limit). All those videos that I promised you will eventually get put into this section. Once I get them done.
* And, another new, and fun addition, a Photo Library, which will allow you to share your favorite photos with the rest of the community. Keep the really nasty pictures to yourself, and don't even think about submitting pornography or other shit. Any high school pictures of me are strictly forbidden. It's actually a neat little program, one which will allow you to not only create your own photo albums online, but, which will sort and categorize your pictures, and allow you and others to hold discussions about them. Also, you can use any photo in this section of the site to use as an "e-card", which you can email with comments, to any of your friends. You do have friends?
* Well, I have friends. And it seems, a whole lot of them. Some psycho institution must have gone out of business and let too many people wander the streets and the internet. Just head on over to the Emails section to see the latest whackiness. Part Trois is up and running, and damn, shit, it's pretty f--king good. Now there's a word I'm going to have to work on next trip to Shaolin.....
* Remember all that other stuff I promised to publish on the site? It's not coming. At least, not yet. I've been far too busy dealing with this server overload problem. You see, you all talk too much. The Discussion Forum just got worn out and overwhelmed. And, not only do you all talk too much, there's far too many of you. Like around twelve hundred a day. It was time to build a back up server, one to handle some of the tasks of the web site. And, it took time, but we did (Thanks Ralf!). The secondary server (we now have three servers handling all of the various aspects of the site) that is now running is a temporary one, to allow us to keep functioning until I can get a real, true, IBM Netserver up and running. It's coming. Along with more shit, er, features.
* Talking about features, I've revamped the Site Map. Why? Well, people are getting lost. The site has gotten to be far too big to navigate around simply. Check out the new Site Map to get a better idea as to how to navigate in russbo land.
* Oh, some more stuff that's coming. For one, the Shaolin Chan Wu Xue Yuan is moving along nicely. We might possibly be open for training sometime in March or April. Pre-registration is going to occur soon, once I get the software figured out. And the DocStore is still on track. I'm still working on which server to use to run the store software. And, training thingies are in the process of being made. It might take me a month or two, but it's going to happen soon.
* As for literary submissions, another wonderful essay by one of our favorite contributors, and, world traveler, RJW, who talks about some theoretical and philosophical concepts related to many old ancient philosophies, and the martial arts, in Dream World. In the Shaolin Scholars section. Shit. It's good.
Talking about good, did I discuss this whole concept of cleavage yet? Did we ever discuss this whole idea of my being a bad influence on these poor little monks and monk wanna-be's? Oh, let's talk about cleavage first. What a topic. I know, talking about cleavage got me into trouble before, and no doubt, it will get me into trouble again. But hey, it's fun. Did you know, and, remember, I am a medical professional, that staring at cleavage will reduce the amount of stress in your life? Yes, it's a fact. I studied it myself. Did you know, that I've not only gotten into trouble with cleavage before, I've also gotten into trouble with religion, and, especially, have gotten into trouble about influencing these monks and monk wanna-be's with my western influence? Didn't I mention that already? Oh, it must be true then. Well, let's talk about this topic. My New York / Las Vegas altered version of western influence has gone far in Shaolin land. Talking about religion is definitely not my favorite subject, as I firmly believe that people should be able to believe whatever the hell they want to believe, as long as it doesn't cause undue unwanted influence on my life or others. Oh, no doubt, I will get me into trouble again. OH YES, time for more trouble. Shit. Here I go. Did you know, that the very person who wrote to me about my being a horrible influence with these guys, was at the same time carrying around various versions of a Christian sect text, in Chinese, to better allow the students and others there read about Christianity and Mormonism? Well, no doubt this person meant well. And without a doubt, has a much better heart and soul than I. And, might I mention, at least has a soul. I think I lost mine in some deal at "church" a while back. Oh well. Back to what we were talking about. Yes, I've been an influence. And yes, in some ways, probably not a very good one. I'm a bad boy, and with that, it goes without saying, that I apologize to all the monks and the monk wanna-be's for being such a bad influence, and teaching them the word "shit". And god knows what else (No doubt somebody's gonna tell me one day). Oh, this has all been very stressful, you just can't imagine. I'd pull the little hairs out of my very head over this if I had any. I'd go to church, well, the real one, and pray for my god forsaken soul. If I had one. And, if they'd let me back in. Oh, time for a huge donation. I can just see it now. "Bless me father for I have sinned.'" "Good my son, now get the f--k out." But, alas, I fear that I am doomed. Oh, the stress of it all. Dealing with internet servers, impossible to learn software, burgeoning web site demands, whacky email buddies, strippers, and hypocrisy. Very stressful indeed.
Oh to be me. Woe. Time to find some cleavage to stare at. Oh, and while I am "de-stressing", I'll make sure I find more stories for your reading pleasure. And while I'm at church praying (and looking) for my lost soul, I'll pray for some of you too.
January 27, 2002
- Written by: doc