Hi Doc! Happy Birthday! Did you know that you're old enough to be my father?
Yes, and I'm still dating women old enough to be your sister. Which, in my mind, is far superior than dating women old enough to be your mother. Why my mother tries to fix me up with women old enough to be your grandmother is really beyond me.
The funny thing is, is that I date girls old enough to be my sister. But it's okay just as long as they're not my sister. That would be just wrong.
No, at your age, you should be dating girls old enough to be my sister.... Did you say you had a sister?
ATTN:DIRECTOR :
I know you will be surprised to read from me,but please consider this letter as request from a family in dare need of assistance,firsty, i must introduce myself,iam MR WILLIAMS BARKE JONS from angola,i am the first and the only son of BRIGADIER EDWARD JONS .i am presently residing in south africa .i got your contact address from a business directory in johannesburg chamber of commerce and industry ,on behalf of my widowed mother MRS:ELIZABETH JONS,idecided to solicit for your assistance to transfer the sum of US$25.5 MILLION (TWENTY FIVE MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATE DOLLARS)inherited from my late father into your personal/companys account ,before his death he was a brigadier in charge of arms and ammunition procurement for the Angolan army, in his WILL he specifically drew my attention to US$25.5 million which he deposited in a safe box of a private security comany in johannesburg-south africa as a treasure box,fully documented in my name(WILLIAM BARKE JONS ).IN FACT MY FATHER SAID AND I QUOTE: my beloved son i wish to draw your attention to (US$25.5 MILLION DOLLARS0) ideposited the box containing the fund in a security company in johannesburg -south africa,During the war,i was very dedicated and committed to winning the war againnst the rebels until when i found out that senior army officers and governments functionaries were busy helping themselves with govrnment funds and properties andsending them to foreign countries,Due to this when i and my former special advisor to president were assigned by the president (PRESIDENT EDUARDO SANTOS) to purchase arms in south africa,we saw this as a golding opportunity and diverted the money and divided the money and i got a total sum of US$25.5 MILLION in case of my absence on earth ,as a result of death only you should solicit for the fund investment purposes, from the above you will understand that the lives and future of my family depends on this money as such i will be grateful if you can assist us. we are now living in south africa as political ASYLUM seekers and Financial Laws and Regulations of the REPUBLIC OF SOUTH AFRICA do not permit us financial rights to such huge some of money,in view of this ,i cannot invest this fund in south africa, hence i am prepared to offer you 20%of the total fund while 10%will be set aside for local and international expenses and 70% will be for my family and me .finally modalities on how the tranfer will be done will be conveyed to you once we have established trust confidence between ourselves ,please treat this matter as very urgent. BEST REGARDS. MR:WILLIAMS BARKE JONS.
No, actually I'm not surprised to hear from you. I get bizarre shit from people like you every day. But, usually it has to do with unrequited love, or some ridiculous insane desire to become a Shaolin monk. Do you have Shaolin monks in Angola? Do you want any? Oh, let's get back to business here. Let's see, twenty percent of twenty five million dollars is, oh, five million, give or take a few hundred thousand. I'll help you on one condition. You send me the money in small unmarked bills, or, even better, coins, preferably quarters. They fit in the slot machines better.
Girls between the ages of 15 and 17? Let's see, are you interested in playing board games, or are you interested in having FUN? Let's get away from the children here, and let's move up towards chasing some mature women, like, 18 year olds. They are most definitely not out of your league. And the less gong fu they know the better. Remember, you're supposed to know gong fu, not them. It's your job to protect them, and they're job to, oh, how old were you again? Hmmm. Well, if I find any 18 year old women that need to be protected, I'll let you know that I found them....
Private Business Proposal.
Email:
Request for Urgent Business Relationship.
First I must solicit your confidence in this transaction. This is by virtue of its nature as being utterly confidential and top secret. We shall be counting on your ability and reliability to prosecute a transaction of great magnitude involving a pending business transaction requiring maximum confidence.
We are top officials of the Federal Government Contract Review Panel who are interested in importation of goods into our country with funds which are presently trapped in Nigeria. In order to commence this business we solicit your assistance to enable us RECIEVE the said trapped funds ABROAD.
The source of this fund is as follows. During the regime of our late head of state, Gen. Sani Abacha, the government officials set up companies and awarded themselves contracts which were grossly over-invoiced in various Ministries. The NEW CIVILIAN Government set up a Contract Review Panel (C.R.P) and we have identified a lot of inflated contract funds which are presently floating in the Central Bank of Nigeria (C.B.N). However, due to our position as civil servants and members of this panel, we cannot acquire this money in our names. I have therefore, been delegated as a matter of trust by my colleagues of the panel to look for an Overseas partner INTO whose ACCOUNT the sum of US$38,020,000.00 (Thirty Eight Million, Twenty Thousand United States Dollars) WILL BE PAID BY TELEGRAPHIC TRANSFER. Hence we are writing you this letter.
We have agreed to share the money thus:
70% for all partners over here
20% for you as the FOREIGN PARTNER
10% to be used in settling taxation and all local and foreign expenses.
It is from this 70% that we wish to commence the importation business.
Please note that this transaction is 100% safe and we hope that the funds arrive your account in latest ten (10) banking days from the date of receipt of the following information by E-mail A suitable name and bank account into which the funds can be paid.
The above information will enable us write letters of claim and job Description respectively. This way we will use your company's name to apply for payments and re-award the contract in your company name.
We are looking forward to doing business with you and solicit your Confidentiality in this transaction.
For security reasons, please respond only to the above or email addresses. I will bring you into the complete picture of this pending project when I have heard from you.
Yours faithfully,
Prof. TANKO BUNU
Hey, thanks for the offer, but I've already gotten one of these, and quite frankly, once I get all those millions of quarters, I'm going to be fairly busy in the casinos. I certainly won't need that 20% of $38,000,000, which would be, oh, a little over seven million dollars, because I plan on winning big at Caesar's Palace. But, thanks for trying to change my life for the better. I really appreciate it. And wow, what a cool name man. Did your mother really think that one up? And, as per your request, I'm keeping our little "conversation" confidential. I won't tell a soul. Not a one.
OH Great Bald One:
Dude are you still alive? how come you haven't updated your site?
Yes, it appears that, from the last time I evaluated myself, I am still alive. Bizarre and surprising, isn't it? I'm in the Gobi Desert in northwestern China, for reasons that are still unknown to me. I'll update the site once I get back. Now, where is that camel?
I haven’t heard from you in a while; just wanted to check in with you. What’s going on with the Ferrari? Is it bad? Is it still alive? Can you fix it? Is it time for me to get a Hyundai? I’ll be home in about three weeks. Expect me the end of August. I’ll give you more detailed information as I get it.
Hey' how's it going over there? We have a nice little Nissan Sentra for you, it gets great mileage so you'll save enough money to buy a new one in a couple of years :) Seriously, the car is fixed, we're just driving it around to make sure it stays happy. By the time you get back it'll have enough miles on it that we can do the next major service on it. Let me know when you're getting close to coming back so I can roll the odo back!
Here's to me staying well' Later
It's going well. No dysentery this time. At least not yet. Just a lot of work outs, and babysitting these other people who have come over also.
I always wanted to drive a Nissan Sentra. I hope you found me a nice one, in a nice color. Maybe a little four cylinder job in burnt and faded white? With tinted windows and a little furry dog who's head bobs up and down for the back window. And maybe some of those little fuzzy balls to hang from the windows. Any extra fuzzy dice that I can have?
So what was wrong with the car? Was it just the valve cover gaskets, or was it another gasket on top of that? Or did you screw up that last major overhaul?
And when you roll the odo back, make sure you put it below five thousand miles. We want the odo to more closely resemble the actual appearance of the car. You know, it's only ten years old. And can you do something about all the dog hair that's in it? It's starting to make me itch. Make sure you leave Max's bone in there though. He'll get pissed if you take it. I know you've always wanted it.
I'll give you more details soon as to when I return, as soon as I figure it out. Figure the end of August or beginning of September.
The way I was able to piece it together it went something like this: The whatchamacallit came loose from the dohickee at a high rate of speed and blew a hole in the side of the thingamabob, that resulted in a very high crankcase pressure causing the gasket thingies to all start leaking. So we glued the whatchamacallit back to the dohickee, stuck some rags in the thingamabob and replaced all of the gaskethingies and wala no more leaks!
And then I remembered to put the oil back in it and ..wala still no leaks!
Regarding the Nissan, The color of course must be RED, and so, of course it is.
See ya in a month or so.
It's amazing, how you instill so much of my faith in you..... And "wala" is spelled "voila". It's French. But, then again, what do you know about French. You're just some lost Danish guy that fixes fast Italian sports cars in Persian-overrun southern California.
Make sure it is a four speed. Or, even better, three speeds on the steering wheel column. I just can't stand automatic transmissions. And you know how I like to go FAST...
Actually it is a five speed so you should feel at home driving it! Of course the best part is that it takes about 10 minutes for it to break a hundred, should keep the tickets down, Eh?
P.S. Hope that AmEx card is still good, although it sure won't have to work as hard as last time. Ciao.
Good. I like five speeds. And I also like to get no tickets. I'm sure gonna miss talking to all those Highway Patrol guys. They always seemed to like to compare cars. But what's this about draining my AMEX card again? No warranties anymore? I'm gonna start bringing my car to Pep Boys. Or, better yet, Sears.
Warranty. WARRANTY. We don't have no stinkin' warranty!
No warranty? What kind of stinkin sweat shop are you running? I thought they only did business like that here in China. At least I get a meal when I buy something over here. And if it breaks, I throw it away, threaten the hell out of the little bastards, and get a new one.
Ok, the reason I wrote... BJ heard from an incredibly unreliable source (how that woman can still listen to Howard Stern - it just makes my skin crawl) that a guy claiming to be from Beijing claims that mothers there give their male sons blow jobs to guarantee that they don't get distracted from... what I don't know, school, or work or whatever. And I don't know what ages these favors are supposed to start or stop, but BJ wanted me to ask you, since you are the closest thing we have to an expert (on which thing I don't know). Well, she asked me to ask, so I'm asking.
Please.... When it comes to stuff like this, I'm the receiver, and not the quarterback. Does BJ take drugs? Maybe she should start. And what's wrong with Howard Stern being a respectable icon of intellectual thought and current affairs? What was I talking about? Where was I going with this? God, I have to focus. Focus, man, focus. Where's my Beijing mommy?
Hey Rich,
HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY!!!!! How old are you now 61 or 62? Well you don’t look a day over 50. I mean that. I’m not just trying to be nice. I hope your having a great time in China and I really really really really hope that you have the greatest birthday ever!
I’ve been playing MAX PAYNE lately, it’s the best game I’ve played this year so far- maybe tied with UNDYING, but its one of the most original games I’ve played and definitely the best third-person shooter(I hate third person but I love this.) I can’t wait for you to play it. Hurry back. Have a super-duper-happy-terrific BIRTHDAY!!!!
I don’t usually use these many exclamation marks, but this is a special day.
As sincere as I can get,
Dan
P.S. Gail says Happy Birthday too.
Gee, thanks, sniff, you're just a wonderful brother man. You're the only one who remembered man. The only one. I'm fucking overwhelmed. And you even bought me a present. I'd write more, but, I can't see the keyboard through the tears in my eyes. Sniff. Sniff.
Now, how much money did you want to borrow? And no, you can't take Gail out with the Ferrari. Mike is still fixing the car. Apparently, he's having trouble putting the whatchamacallit onto the dohickee. I guess he ran out of bubble gum and duct tape.
Why didn't you tell me that you were going to Xinjiang, pain in the ass. I would have waited in China and gone with you. How is it? Have you been eating lamb and grapes?
I ate grapes. I ate lamb. I have the shits. Are you happy?
Hi! How are you?
I send you this file in order to have your advice
See you later. Thanks
Hey, thanks for the virus, shithead. And all these god damn emails that I've been getting from you, via my 9600bps modem here in China. But, you know, for an old, bald mother f--ker from New York, I'm pretty damn smart. Didn't infect me, no sirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Rich - we have a guest room in our house and can easily house you and Shi Xing Hong. Xing Hong can stay in the guest room and you can sleep in the bathtub. Do you have hot water? I really don't mind a cold bath, hell, I just got out of Shaolin. Is it a Chinese size bath, or one a big ass American can get his feet and his but wet in at the same time? I'll bring my rubber ducky. I know how you feel about loaning out yours. hot water, yes. no problem. and the tub should fit your ass easily. my baby has two rubber duckys which you can borrow as long as your intentions are not obscene. Two of them? Wow. Are they "anatomically correct" rubber duckies? I've always wanted to bathe with "anatomically correct" rubber duckies. Actually, lately, bathing with anything "anatomically correct" could be fun. Even if it was made out of rubber. Hmmm. Especially if it was made out of rubber....
don't ever let too many brain cells get in the way of a good idea! fair dinkum, you'd love paragliding. if you are in the gobi , you must love adventure! imagine seeing all those places from an elevated position! a wing that fits in a backpack! (complete with parachute). when you are back in the states do a course. if you don't like it , don't continue the course. people only get into trouble when they do stupid things or continually make bad decisions. it was explained to me once that it takes 14 consecutive bad decisions to have a bad accident. the airline crash that you avoided in china was not luck. you made correct decisions with the available information. how many more bad decisions did the airline pilot make before he was commited to hit the ground? paragliding is much safer, easier to learn, easier on the wallet, easier to port than hang gliding. you'll stay in the air longer, find more launchable sites, and carry the wing to places a hang glider would have to be air lifted. in your travels you will have more fun, see more country , get a different perspective, take better photos, have more to write about, than if you languish on the ground like the rest of the punters in the world. imagine sitting in a rocking chair when you are 70. think about not having had all those wonderfull views of the chinese landscape etc.
I’ve had a couple of backpack’s that have fallen apart. Most probably made in China. No, you’re not doing a great job of convincing me here. Did I tell you about my flight to Kashi? I think I’m going to spend the next two weeks on the ground. In bed. Hopefully with some young stupid gorgeous thing. With long hair. One that will feed me grapes. After the flights that I’ve had on Chinese airlines, I think I’d prefer to keep my feet on the ground for a while.
Oh, and I’m not going to be sitting in a rocking chair when I’m 70. I’m going to be the king of the wheelchair races in the nursing home, that is, when I’m not busy fondling the young candy stripers, or, dripping oatmeal from my toothless mouth.
If I go next summer, I’ll bring people with me. I’ll make the appropriate introductions for you to train at my master’s school. You can stay as long as you’d like. I can almost guarantee that you’ll find it to be a better training experience.
I appreciate it Doc. Seriously, you're a role model to us all... which after seeing the photos what you did to those monks in Vegas worries me a bit.. :D
Role model? You’re all doomed. Doomed I tell you. Kind of reminds me of the sea otters, all of whom follow the guy in front of them, as they dive off of the cliff into eternity.
thought of taking that paragliding course yet?
No. Here in this country they are shooting down unidentifiable flying objects. The big bald guy under a funky color parachute would no doubt make an interesting target. I think I’ll keep my feet on the ground, and my ass in front of my computer, playing games, for a while. That is, when I'm not at church....