Emails Two

Cute. Girls have been calling me “cute“ ever since I pooped my first diaper. Handsome? Hunk? Stud? No. Cute.

No, no, you don't want to be labelled Handsome/hunk/stud. I've encountered those guys and they invariably have an overinflated sense of themselves and can cause enourmous trouble. Stick with cute, that way you'll get less drama and at least you still get laid. (!!!!)

Sorry to tell you this, but girls like handsome/hunk/stud. They date them, screw them, marry them, have children by them, divorce them, and then look for other things that they learn are more important to them, such as, "cute", and "rich". Primarily "rich". "Cute", to a forty plus year old woman, usually is associated with "baby", and not "man". Ah, the learning curve of the American female.....

No. Her desires for me had nothing at all to do with my being cute. It had much more to do with the fact that she was incredibly ugly.  I tend to attract the lower end of the cute scale.

Hi,
I have stupid fucking aspirations to go off to China and learn kung fu. Give me a slap around the face by telling me :
- How shit is the food, really? Rice everyday I bet, soaked in MSG. Or is that just stereotypical?
- How far removed from REAL Shaolin is the stuff being taught in the typical tourism orientated temples? Are the teachers gonna run off to sell dim sum in between training sessions?
- Hows the accomodation? Air conditioning, running water, showers.......not chuffing likely.
- What are the whores like? ah forget it, I'm not fussy

Yes. Stupid fucking aspirations. From what moron’s web site did you ever get this idiotic idea? The food is not all that bad, once you get used to it. I don’t notice the MSG. It is pretty tasty, if you’re careful about the restaurants that you eat in. You don’t see a lot of dim sum in northern China. It’s a southern China thing. And what is real Shaolin…. I guess it’s as real as you can find. It’s good training, if you hook up with the right monks The accommodations where I stay now are pretty good. I used to stay in the wushu guan, which was a bit horrible. There is air conditioning, and hot showers, occasionally, where I stay now.  The whores, well, I’m glad you’re not fussy. Bring a lot of money. It’s expensive paying off the local cops.  Sorry about the delay. I’ve been overwhelmed. You know, the usual. Emails, web site stuff, Xmas, women, whores, sushi, computer games….. The important things in life. I’m sure you’ll understand.

Fat bald guy? Huh? OK, your kid is ugly. Does he look like his mum? No doubt he can spell better than her....

You are disgusting and ugly man. I am ending this conversation with you. Right now.

You are rude and ignorant. I am sending you a spelling book. Will you marry me?

HOPE U WILL LET ME KNOW WHIN U GET YOUR SCHOOL GO OR U GOING TO HAVE LIVE IN TRAINING AND DO U TEACH SHAOLIN-DO STYLE I WOULD LIKE TO MASTER IT

Yes, I will have live in training. Are you young, female, and cute? And what exactly did you want to learn?

Another dumb question; how long would it take an average person, training at Shi De Cheng's school without any previous kung fu training, to become proficient enough to open their own quan/kwoon/dojo/whatever in their own country? Are you only allowed to do so if your master says?

Cheers

PS: Do the whores actually say "me so horny, me love you long time?"

It all depends upon how hard you train, how good you get, and what country you live in. If you live in the US, hell, anybody can teach martial arts and make money at it.

Cheers. Toodaloo and all that rot.

PS: No, the whores don’t say that. They say “mmmmph, mmmmph, mmmmph”. When they’re not choking or gasping.  What's this British fascination with whores anyway?

Hi Doc,

Cheers for the information, your a gem. You did not, however, slap me hard enough.....ahh well. Hope you have a cracking Cristmas and a very merry new year.

I leave the slapping and beating to my little whores, not my Shaolin buds. I never had a cracking Christmas, but I’ll try. Sounds like it could be fun. Hope all is well over there in the queens’ country. 

Its not the Queens country, its mine. That Nazi bitch just lives here and spends our tax money on cocaine. Its true, ask anyone.

Yes, I had thought so. Forgive me for thinking that she had anything to do with it. My mistake. A Nazi bitch, eh? Never expected it. Now I have visions of her sitting on her throne wearing high leather boots, with a whip in her hand and a swastika tattooed above her left breast.  No wonder why Charles is such a fuck up.

Oh yes, there are many a tale of her sordid debaucheries. Tales that would make a Las Vegas whore blush. I can just imagine her sitting on her big throne that can swivel like a James Bond villians' chair, monicle in one eye and angry livid scar on the the side of her face, stroking her Corgi.

Las Vegas whores don’t blush. I’ve proudly made a few gasp. But blush, to be honest, haven’t seen it. And does your little woman there shave her head also? I always thought that was a wig. 

People are seen being bound, gagged and dragged in to the Palace, trussed up like pigs ready for the spit. And it is said that on calm nights you can hear the screams from her throne room, screams that would scar your soul and make you wish you were deaf.

Screams. I remember the screams that used to come out of my bedroom. Bound, gagged, and trussed up. Oh, the good old days.

Also heard on the crisp night air are the shrieks of foul abuse she hurls at her  victims; tirades which become obscene to the point where even sailors would begin to listen with interest.

Sounds like my kind of girl. Do you think that you might be able to make an introduction for me? I’ll bring my own fur wrapped leather cuffs.

Its true. Us Britons, we all know its true. But we do nothing. God save the Queen an all that.
May God have mercy on our souls......

Great trips to all and my very best wishes for the New Year! Meilleurs voeux pour cette nouvelle annee et bons voyages a tous!

Same to you. Hope it’s a safe and happy one, full of many loose and slutty women.J

I am over with my search of loose and slutty women : I have found my serious one !  I will be going soon to Geneva to help her open a well being center (teas, massages, etc.) Will therefore spend less time on Passplanet for a while...

I am glad that you found a serious one. You have no idea how difficult it is to be old and alone in a world full of ignorant people. Enjoy this relationship and make it work. The alternative is not as much fun as people think it is.

 Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am off in search of loose and slutty women.

Stay well my friend and keep your sens e of humour (and your slutty women)

Yep, yes I am. Doc, I honestly think were meant to be, she said Im the "right guy" for her, if you know what I mean, and I told her the same, and I meant it to. Also, I tell her I love her without expecting oral sex, im not afraid to argue with her, she gets along with the family and friends, i dont keep any secrets from her.

No oral sex? Wow. Must be love.

alright, who said no oral sex? do u know what she can do with her tounge?

Hmmm, no. But it sounds like I'd love her too.

So hows your love life? hows the ooters diciples?

Ahh, now there’s something to talk about. No, not my love life. The disciples. Let’s see. From what reliable rumor has told me, here’s the run down:

One has her heart fairly set upon being a Playboy Playmate. Talk about high career aspirations. Between you and I, she’s cute, but her chances of getting into the centerfold of that magazine are almost as good as mine getting into a small advertisement in Playgirl. Another, whom I am very proud of, has developed a career doing nails on the side. Yet another, who is terribly in love with a loser boyfriend, has exhausted her entire college fund bailing him out of jail. Oh, arrests for soliciting a prostitute must be expensive. Another is struggling to raise a bi-racial baby, without help from the father, wherever he is. Another, who at the tender age of somewhere around twenty-five, is raising her three kids, or, was that four, after her second, or was that third, failed marriage. Another is dancing at a totally nude strip club here in town, because her boyfriend doesn’t make enough money to support her with his racing career. And, my favorite one, who is battling a drug and alcohol addiction, which was not only brought on by her unemployed boyfriend, but was encouraged and nurtured by him, apparently lost her job, and has been “discovered” starring in porn films, all to support this guy. Ah, love. Ain't it grand.

 I haven’t stayed in touch with them all that much, but, from what I understand, they’re doing well. All living in blissful ignorant misery. Nothing changes.

BTW, your site has developed quite a following here in Houston. I'm always hearing one of our students (and parents, too) talking about something they saw on your site and passing on the word that there is no better place to go when looking for information on Shaolin. They all have to get their daily dose of Russbo. Please keep up the good work!

Wow. So it's confirmed. People in Houston do need to get a life. No excitement whatsoever. You guys need a Hooters down there. Want me to send some disciples?

like to know if u will have a live in train in your school how much will it be to get in your school i live in calf would like to met u if i can i go to vegas alot could u help me get in your school hope so would like it a lot i will keep on look for u ok bey your friend xxxxx

OK! Bey!

Hi Doc,

I think the dentist hurt you on purpose.  He wanted to get back at you for threatening  him.

No China trip? Well I heard they are looking for bodyguards in Utah to protect the athletes.  Hey, you qualify.  Looks and Brains.  Wow what a great package.  OOPS! I forgot to add sense of humor.  I'll write you a great letter of recommendation.  Honest, at no charge.

Take care.
CA Princess

How come I don't get more emails like this? Looks AND brains? Oh baby. And don't you forget, there's always a charge. And, while we're at it here, let's set the record straight.  I did not threaten my dentist. I just told him I would kill him, badly, as opposed to "goodly", if he screwed up my teeth. I'd hurt him, and his little dog too.....

dear doc:hello!

I am very glad to receive your fax and e-mail ,thank you your help me to take my visa,in Febraury i am in DengFeng .I hope see you at soon, congratulation to your work and your wish are ok. a mi tuo fo! shi de cheng

Damn. Your English is getting good. Scary good. Damn f--king good. By the way, did I ever teach you that word?

maybe i miss read the document but, are you in china right now? i read on one of the forums about you planning doc tour 2002 and visiting old friends are you there now? and if so are you going to get us more videos and stuff? n e way if you are i hope your having a good time visiting shaolin!

xxxxxx

ps, also if you are visiting china sometime soon instead of the summer or whenever you do those tours, could you ask your master how much chin na moves or techniques are involved in the snake style, or if anyone else you know like the abbot, or whoever you talked about in kevins story who breaks cemet with his stomack and a hammer... id like to know because a master here teaches the style and i might get into it and im trying to learn more, but most sites ive been to arent to detailed.

I'll ask the abbot. One of my buds. He looks like he knows the snake style really well. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to start swinging my gut against this cinder block wall in preparation for my return to Shaolin.

Me and Sarah from school (You remember her - the cheerleader with pig tales) just put together a naughty XXX website that our nobody really knows about! www.porkusteens.com

We haven't told anybody about it, we don't want mom and dad to find out -- they would be pretty pissed at us! Well as you know I am 18 now so I am now old enough to do what I want.

Holy shit! I forgot to finish the story about Coach Jensen in the locker room, Remind me to finish that one up when we talk... It's a hot one! www.domecoachnow.com

I hope you like what you see... Don't tell anybody about this!

I just added you to my buddy list so we can stay in contact from now on!

Luv ya,

Michelle

P.S. I think that sarah really likes you still.. Maybe you should get in contact with her, I know you guys were pretty hot
together ;)

We were? I can't seem to remember. Nor coach Jensen. And you have "pig tales"? You didn't happen to email any "fat bald guys" lately, did you? Well, I won't tell your mommy if you don't tell mine. I have a website too. It's www.stopsendingmethisshit.com  And I can't wait to see you in my instant messaging service. Boy, have we got a lot to talk about....

Luvya

doc

It's been some time since I sent you anything. I will make up for it by sending you the most important book any round-eyed-devil or passing Korean could want. After reading just a small section on it one will be endowed with a understanding more-or-less adequate of chinese culture, mental attitudes, pshycology and behaviour paterns.

I'm talking about the legendary Li Ki.

After reading through some of it I got the feeling that if I grew up in China I would be dead now. Probably killed by my farther, or some elder wielding a staff, for acting disrespectfully and making them lose face.

Oh yeah, 'face' is also explained in there.

Talking about face, have you seen mine lately? Damn dentist and their little rubber dams. Got folliculitis all over my damn face. Folliculitis. Do you know what that is man? Think babies. Think shit. Put them together. What do you get? Think diaper rash. I got damn diaper rash on my face. Now what do you think they would do to a dentist in China that gave you diaper rash on your face? OOOH, I'm gonna get that bastard. Where's his god damn little dog....