doc 8/2003

Programming

The girls are doing a shit job of cleaning my room.

Now, I've always said that you have to be nice to the "girlfriends" when you're in China, for it is they that decide just how slovenly your life can become. Always smile at the "girlfriends". They keep your bathroom clean, provide you with that daily dose of tiny Chinese, very short lasting, toilet paper, put clean towels on your rack, and clean sheets on your bed. Life can get just a little bit better if you're nice to the "girlfriends".

Oh, for those of you who haven't figured out who the "girlfriends" are, they're the young women, that tend to be bewildered of me, who work on each floor of the hotels in Dengfeng and Shaolin. If you really want to stretch it a bit, you can use the term to describe all the various little waitresses that crowd around you in the restaurants, and the "aisle girls" that you find on each and every aisle in each and every Dengfeng supermarket.

The girlfriends. You just have to love them.

I generally don't use the term "girlfriends" for the girls in the massage parlors though. I refer to them as the "honeys". Problem is, getting a massage is just a little different than getting clean sheets on your bed. Referring to the massage girls as "girlfriends", in my mind, just ruins the blessed sanctity of the reference.

Usually, the "girlfriends" hide in their little rooms, always trying to avoid work, and occasionally appearing to vacuum the hall floor, most usually, at just the same hour that you're in the middle of a nice deep sleep, with one hell of a dream going on, a dream that sometimes includes some of the "girlfriends", all while, I might add, you're lying next to a "honey", a honey who became a girlfriend. Make sense?

The honeys, usually avoid this hiding behavior, and make their presence known by inhabiting the hall and the stairway outside their little massage den of depravity. The honeys know something of capitalism; they're fully aware of the fact that advertising brings business. Most of the honeys generally just do things like cut hair, massage bodies, and rub and clean feet. But some of the honeys, having discovered some of the true beauty of westernized capitalistic behavior, have taken that next step towards financial success, by providing "special services".

Ah, special services. Now there's a moniker if there ever was one. Special services, is, well, just that. Special. But it is usually provided by a member of the female species that typically inhabits a different area of the hotel. An area that is dark, smokey, and noisy. An area that is rank with the smell of beer and alcohol. An area whose floor is covered with nut debris and sputum. An area that everyone, must once, in their lifetime, visit, to fully make use of the short time that we are all given in this world.

The karaoke bar.

For in the karaoke bar, are many, many young girls, girls who like to be sung to, girls who like to have drinks bought for them, girls who like the companionship of a male, a male who is capable of talking sweetly to them, a male who is well dressed, a man who has money, a man, who can read that shit on the karaoke monitor and sing it, all the while making some sense of it all.

A man who is looking for special services.

Yes, the girls of the karaoke bars generally have graduated from the denizens of the massage parlor, in an attempt to find fame and fortune, by getting sung to, and by providing special services.

These girls are tenderly referred to as the "ladies".

The "ladies" also hang out in elevators. Quite an interesting place to hang out. You'll find them, on an almost daily basis, in the elevator. Going up, going down. Again, going up, going down. These girls constantly travel, yet, go nowhere. They'll watch you with suspicious yet inviting eyes, as you go up and go down. Always wondering if you're looking for special services, always afraid that the big white guy might be looking for special services. Always making the elevator a fun place to hang out in.

So, there you have it. Ladies, honey's and girlfriends. You're ready to visit China.

But back to my story.

Upon my arrival to Dengfeng, I had found that staying in my friend Yong's apartment, to be far too hot, and far too noisy. My head requires a good night's sleep, otherwise, it makes me remember, for the entire following day, how bad I was to it the night before. So, I moved on over to the FengYuan. Besides, not only did it have air conditioning, frequent hot water, fairly comfortable beds, and relatively quiet surroundings, it had girlfriends, honeys and ladies. Yes, it's not too shabby.

But the beds are kind of small, especially for a big guy like me. So I did something a little out of the ordinary. Something that the girlfriends had not expected. Something that the girlfriends had never experienced before.

I moved the two little beds together, into the corner of my room.

Yes, rearranging the furniture definitely made the room far more comfortable. Moving the two little beds, that had previously been centered, almost exactly, into the middle of the room, to the far corner of the room, all scrunched up together, with my weights in the middle of the room, and my little table against the other wall, all made my room, oh so much more homey.

It threw the girlfriends completely off. They knew not what to do.

Rearranging the furniture threw off their "programming". Yes, "programming". You find it not only in girlfriends, but in honeys and ladies as well.

Girlfriends are programmed to change the sheets, change the towels, vacuum between the beds, clean your sink, and air out your room, all following a preprogrammed path of travel. Restaurant girlfriends are programmed to set your table, pour your tea, and keep everything, just where it has been set. Move a dish or a chopstick, and you'll trigger a response from a restaurant girlfriend, to move the displaced item back into its normal place. Aisle girlfriends are programmed to follow you around the supermarket, in their respective aisle, and only in their respective pre-assigned aisle, suggest items for your purchase, help you carry things that you want, and make sure that none of the things that you want end up unexpectedly in your pockets. Aisle girlfriends are very territorial, they inhabit only the space that lies in front of their assigned shelving area. And once they follow you to the limits of their assigned aisle area, they very respectfully pass you off, like some old worn out football, to the next aisle honey, who, I might add, is usually eagerly awaiting your arrival to her aisle area.

Honeys are programmed to smile at you, wink occasionally, and do whatever else is necessary to lure you into the massage parlor for the six dollar per hour massage. Honeys are programmed to start at your shoulders, work down your arms, move to your legs, avoid your feet, rub your back and take your money.

Ladies are programmed to push buttons in elevators. And, do whatever else they do.

But, if you stray off the the expected path of their programming, you screw them up.

Just try going into a restaurant and move your dish, chopsticks, glass and spoon around. Or worse, rearrange the food dishes on that filthy rotatable piece of glass we in the US call a "lazy susan". Restaurant girlfriends will quickly, like antivirus software in a computer responding to an unwanted attachment, move to put the table back into its usual and proper position.Move it again, and eventually, and usually, quite rapidly, they'll position themselves to move it right back.

Just try going into a supermarket, and ignore the aisle girlfriends. Buy what you want and not what they point to, and, carry it yourself, ignoring their pleas to use their little baskets. Let one "attach" herself to you as you move up and down her assigned aisle for a while, then move rapidly from one aisle to another, dragging her with you, and getting other aisle girlfriends to attach themselves to your rapidly accumulating little group. Aisle girlfriends can easily be confused, puzzled and disoriented. And, if you get really, really good, you can herd them like sheep.

It's fun.

Honeys are easily confused also. And, it's actually pretty simple. Get a massage, but, ask her to scratch your back instead of rubbing it. Point to your feet when they're rubbing your calves. Refuse to turn over when they motion you to. And, my favorite, strip down to your under shorts for your massage. They absolutely hate that.

And, they love it too.

Ladies can be disoriented from their programming path also. Get on an elevator with one, and push all the buttons. Get off at each floor, look around, and get back on. Then, during the ride to the next floor, gaze lovingly with respect and adoration. Then ask her if she wants a massage.

Ladies have no idea how to respond to that.

But, the hotel girlfriends are my favorite. If you really want to screw up the hotel girlfriends, all you've got to do is rearrange your furniture.

The first day that they entered my room, they walked right back out. Shocked, absolutely shocked. And befuddled.

Didn't return for a week. I've been here twelve days, and I'm still waiting for new sheets. And as for the new tiny roll of toilet paper that was supposed to be hung on my wall? Never got it. But, it just never became a problem.

I had fun with the aisle girlfriends buying that stuff...